In Which I Finally Get To The Point

I have this friend... his family owns a handsome parcel of land on the Tennessee River just south of Knoxville, TN. This land defines the term "prime". On its own, it is gorgeous. Rolling pasture lands tumble down to the pristine river. A white antebellum house perches atop a ridge looking over the grazing land, the river, and the valley it has carved. This area hosts Dollywood and 87% of all mega-outlet malls east of the Mississippi River. (Those who've been there know I'm not exaggerating.) During the high season of tourism, it can take up to two days and three tanks of gas to crawl through the traffic that jams the 30 or so scenic miles of this stretch of Hwy 66.

For me, the real feature of this land (other than the obvious fact that it would make the world's greatest Plan B compound) is that it not only overlooks the Tennessee River valley, but also boasts a comforting view of a little place I like to call Heaven On Earth - Smoky Mountain Knife Works (hereinafter SMKW).

SMKW is the BassPro Shop of knives... if BassPro was much bigger and much more ambitious, willing to carry a bigger in-store inventory. (It's more like what you would get if your mated Wal-Mart to Neiman-Marcus and all that store carried was stuff that could cut, gut, or stab.) There is an elevator that runs seven stories up through the capacious atrium, carrying knife lovers (which if you are not when you enter, you will be before you leave) to one dimension of knifey nirvana after another. There is a floor just for Bowie knives, all stamped with the silhouette of the Alamo. There is a floor just for multi-multi-purpose Swiss Army knives. There is an entire floor just for pen-knives and money clips with little fold-out blades that are great for cleaning under your finger nails. There is even a floor just for knives with pink handles (proceeds from the sale of which all go to the Susan G Komen Breast Cancer Awareness Foundation). There are alcoves devoted to nothing but bayonets for sniper rifles. There are kiosks for ceramic knives which can't be detected by airport metal detectors. Sadly, there is even a kind of split-level basement sort of room for domestic kitchen knives (it's a sad sight, imagine AutoZone having an entire department for fluffy dice and air fresheners). I think they have fish-fry batter mix down there also.

My favorite section, in retrospect, now that my paranoia is in full flower and I perceive the end of modern society, is the Big Blade Kingdom - a rugged paradise of steel shanks that are designed to do quickly what they have to do. Cuz, you see, when you're done manicuring your nails, when you're done choppin' broccoli, when you're done making a social statement with your pocket armory, when you're done fiddling with a contraption that is named after an "army" from a country devoted to neutrality and chocolate... when you're done with all that, you need a knife you can go into the woods with and not come out 'til the work is done - and done right. When you're ready for that kind of knife, you cinch up your belt, polish your credit card, and you get yourself to Big Blade Kingdom.

I haven't been to SMKW in ten years. Back then I was a wide-eyed innocent; happily confident that the grid was as secure as tomorrow morning's newspaper. That was then, this is now, and things have changed. I want a return trip to Big Blade Kingdom - and this time, I'm not browsing, I'm buying... and I'm going to put the $ in Capitali$t.

Fortunately, life doesn't take me east of the Mississippi anymore - or ever again. But since I invented the internet, I have my own "virtual" Big Blade Kingdom no further away from me than a blog over-wrought with hyperbole. Shopping is easy, but the decisions are tough. So, I'm asking you, all 578 of my regular readers from Red Hero to Red Oak, to help me pick out two, maybe three good knives that would serve me well as I persevere in Plan B. I need real all-purpose knives - something I can gut a deer with in the morning and cut taters to throw in with the venison in the afternoon. I need a defensive weapon as well as something with which to whittle spear points or open oysters. Here's what I'm thinking. Tell me what you think.

(I'm referencing Ka-Bar Knives here out of simplicity. There are 348,200 knife makers in America alone, each producing from 70 to 850 knives each. It's a big universe to survey.)

Becker Campanion [sic] (I think they meant companion, but this is the manufacturer's site so we'll use their term.) - This is your basic, belt-side buddy.



Combat Bowie (say that three times really fast) - As straightforward a knife as ever got slaughtered by Hispanics.




Becker TacTool - After seeing this knife and reading its description, I just can't imagine Plan B without it (in which I envision needing to cut a lot of 550 cord).


Okay, pundits, pund away. I'm especially interested in what blade steel to look for. Tell me what you know about the Rockwell Hardness Scale. Give me your opinion on AUS-8 (is it really as bad as some people say). Do you agree that 52100 is just 5160 with a bad attitude? And what do you think of parkerizing Damascus steel with phosphoric acid (which is actually a pun since "acid" comes from an ancient word for sharp from which we also get acrid, axes, and Eiger which is a sharp peak in the Alps). I'm all ears and I'm nothing if not teachable.



a quick summary...