Products for Paranoids - Best of the Web

I claim that this blog is to give voice to the mission my paranoia is on. Of necessity, that puts me in some loose connection with other paranoid voices (not all of which are in my head). A coming blog is going to address the darker side of paranoia as personified by certain James Bond characters, so before peeking behind that curtain, I thought I'd look at the lighter side of paranoia, or at least make light of paranoid. Or both.

Submitted for your approval. Bullet-Proof / Bomb-Proof Bath Tub. Let's be honest, we've all seen Psycho. And can't we all admit that we carry into the tub / shower a haunting sense of vulnerability. There you are in all your God-given glory, with nothing between you and an assassins bullet but whatever wee bit o' surface tension water provides. Fortunately, someone shares our trepidation and has arranged a solution. The only thing that bothers me... if I'm really worried about getting sniped while laundering my earthself, shouldn't there at least be a top on this tub? I'm just saying.

Now, there are some products for the paranoid and then there are people who look out for the paranoid by critiquing products. We're getting to know each other pretty well by now so let's be honest. Wouldn't you just love to spend a cool Fall day curled up in front of a TV, watching football and eating chili... especially in a Snuggie? Not so fast Heaven-On-Earth Breath, you obviously haven't considered the sheer mortal peril you'd be swaddling yourself in. Fortunately, someone has done just that on your behalf!! This is a hilarious review - it's like being in Martha Stewart's head on her first day in prison. (And for the epicures among us, don't miss this kitchen appliance review.)

Let's say that Shadrach Hits The Fan (hereinafter SHTF) and you head for the hills, but you don't want to poopie in the woods like a common bear (or is that like a pope?). Problem solved. (The first product gives you the flexibility of preparing for any multiple of days.)

Want to spray a potential intruder with buckshot, but don't want the bulk and hassle of stuffing a sawed-off shotgun under your mattress? Problem sloved. (I can't remember if I have one or two of these.)

I have chronicled my frustration with the Government's inability (or is it unwillingness???) to adequately inform me of the peril that is most likely to befall me. [I'd at least like a tax deferment because of that.] Fret no more! Now there is a Safe-Room-In-A-Box. It's not like a real safe room, where you can go, hide, be safe from all peril, and survive for a year. It's more like a giant dry cleaning bag that will protect you from Phosgene, Sarin, and nuclear fall-out. (I hadn't even considered the first two. I think it will also protect me in the event of a high-speed rollover of my house. Super-bonus feature: "It comes with exhaust valves that are blast and splinter protected." Yesss!

My Best of the Web survey is drawn to a premature (or is that immature) fin-de-siecle with a man talking about "the tiny amount of bubble bath solution your favorite lady requires to fill a bathtub" (insert a million possible comments here). Well, anyway, if said bathtub does not provide enough protection, the author proposes thinking further about foam. Which made me think, all I really need in the way of home protection is a can of GREAT STUFF insulating foam, or "gack" as we call it at my house. Non-lethal (unless ingested, I guess), this gack would quickly immobilize an intruder, create a bullet-proof barrier, and kill cockroaches all-in-one. Heck, I've actually killed time itself trying to get this gack off my hands (well, body, but that's another blog).

I hope you are more aware, and yes, I hope you are more sympathetic toward the paranoids in your world. If I have driven you to the heights of appreciation for those who see a cloud inside every silver lining, then visit 632 Wacky Gift Ideas for the Paranoid in Your Life and get your paranoid a little sumpin-sumpin to say that you notice, that you care.